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Why I’m a knucklehead

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I’m trying to keep this as low-key as possible.

But, I think people could very well think that I may be an alien. Seriously.

And, it’s my own fault.

You see, this is my story, which I’m thinking of pitching to the executive producer for a future episode of the X-Files.

I have no identification. Y

None. Passport? Gone. Birth certificate? Try again. Alberta Health Care card? Nope. Social Insurance Number? I can recite it off the top of my head, but that little white card with those nine important numbers isn’t anywhere to be found.

This saga began — and I am embarrassed to write this — in February of 2016 when boarding an afternoon flight at Edmonton International Airport to Fort McMurray. It was a nice, sunny winter day and everything was moving along swimmingly … until I got to the gate and realized I didn’t have my passport.

But, being the sense of adventure guy that I am I thought I’d give it my best shot.

I have picture ID from the Disabled Adult Transportation Service. I dug it out of my wallet, said countless prayers and handed it to the gentleman tending the gate.

“This is,” I said, making an emotional but realistic plea, “all I have.”

The gentleman looked at it for a few seconds. Then, he rolled his eyes and probably thought “Can’t wait to tell the boss about this one.”

He calmly told me I needed government issued ID.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “You can’t fly with this.”

I dropped my head.

“But we do have another flight at 6 p.m. if you can get something by then, you’re good to go.”

I called my wife, who, for the 10,000th time, called me “a knucklehead” after she heard my story. She found the Ziploc bag with my passport and birth certificate. I then called Mr. Cab Driver — Hussein Jime — and asked him to go to our home, pick up my passport and birth certificate and run it back to the airport.

He did, I got on board, enjoyed Fort McMurray, and used my ID 24 hours later to come home.

And that’s the last time I’ve seen my passport and birth certificate.

Then, a few months after, my wallet was stolen and I lost the rest of my identification.

“You better get your ID in place,” my wife reminded me every month.

Call me the world’s biggest procrastinator. I said I would. I never did.

I knew I was flying to Kelowna at the end of the month back in July. I waited and waited until last week to apply for a birth certificate, which I need to get government ID so I can fly. Hopefully, everything comes on time.

It’s a lesson I’ve learned the hard way. But it’s a comforting reminder Transport Canada is protecting our skies and only allowing people with the right documents to fly.

So, I feel kind of like an alien without any proof of identification.

But, there is still another opportunity.

I mean, aliens are known to fly on space ships, right?

Guess I can start looking for one that stops in Kelowna.

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